| #2
- Blind date |
|
 It's becoming
obvious to Alex that his blind date is the-date-from-hell. He
shares with her about a date he had which mugged him and left him
stranded in the middle of nowhere.
Alex: From now on I'll consider that a medium date.
Louie insulting
Bobby as usual.
Louie:
Hey Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your face, you sneeze,
and your head explodes.
Explaining why he
still wants to see his obese blind date, Angela, a woman filled
with self pity and bitterness.
Alex:
I feel like I'm walking away from a car wreck with a person still
trapped inside.
|
| #4
- Come as You Aren't |
|
Latka shows up at
Elaine's party wearing a dirty overall.
Latka:
Party time for Latka?
Elaine: Not until you take off those overalls.
Latka: Ooh, this is my kind of party.
|
| #8
- Paper Marriage |
|
Latka is going to be
deported. He struggles to explain to Alex what will prevent this.
Alex:
Oh! You're saying they won't deport you if you get married!
Latka: You take tongue right out of my mouth.
|
|
| Asking Elaine to
marry Latka.
Elaine:
No way I'm gonna marry him!
Bobby: It's just a marriage, Elaine! It's not like you
have to have sex with him or anything.
Latka: Who asked you?
|
|
| After Latka's
wedding to a local hooker.
Latka:
Honeymoon?
Alex: No honeymoon.
Latka: Boy, America's a tough town.
|
| #18
- Mama Gravas |
|
Greta (Latka's
mother) talking about Latka's father.
Greta Gravas: He was killed in struggle for liberty
freedom.
Alex: Oh, he was a freedom fighter shot by the
police?
Greta Gravas: No, he was police shot by freedom
fighters.
|
| #22
- Memories of Cab 804 (Part II) |
|
Alex is trapped in the
cab with a young couple, the woman is now giving birth. The
husband, unable to deal with the circumstances, is instructing the
reluctant cabbie in assisting with the delivery.
The husband:
Make sure she's at a 45 degree angle!
Alex: To what!? To what!?
|
| #27
- Jim Ignatowski: A Space Odyssey |
|
While filling out an
application.
Bobby:
Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
Reverend Jim: Now that's a tough choice...
|
|
| During a written
driving test.
Reverend Jim:
Pssssttt... What does the yellow light mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Reverend Jim: What... does... the... yellow...
light... mean?
Bobby: "Slow down"!
Reverend Jim: Whaaaat... dooooeeees... theeeee...
yeeeel-looowwww... liiiiight... meeeeaaan?
|
| #28
- Nardo Looses Her Marbles |
|
Alex,
confronting Elaine's overtures, suggests that she's trying to use
sex as a psychological crutch.
Elaine:
I love it when a man accuses me of unconsciously avoiding therapy!
|
| #32
- The Apartment |
|
Latka
explains why he wants to share his apartment.
Latka:
In my country everyone shares everything with everyone.
Alex: Oh, that's nice, Latka.
Latka: Otherwise they shoot you.
|
| #33
- Elaine's Secret Admirer |
|
Jim
about television.
Reverend Jim:
Hey, Alex, you know the really great thing about television? If
something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day,
you can always change the channel.
|
|
| A poem for Elaine.
Reverend Jim:
I saw you standing in a Manhatten sunset / Your auburn hair
blowing from Atlantic winds. / Your eyes were smiling at thoughts
far away, / Dancing to sonnets only you could hear. // If I could,
I would build you a castle / In a world from some other time. / A
castle I can only imagine/A castle only you could inspire.
|
| #34
- Alex's Romance |
|
Alex
tells Joyce about the food at Mario's.
Alex:
Even Mario's doesn't eat at Mario's. See the papers on the wall
over there? That's _ from the health department.
|
|
Alex:
We're arguing because we care too much, and we're breaking up
because we don't care enough.
|
| #35
- Latka's Revolting |
|
Jim announces he'll
fight side by side with Latka in the war.
Reverend Jim:
Death to the revolutionary rebels!
Latka: But I am fighting for the revolutionary
rebels.
Reverend Jim: Death to the imperialist stooges!
Latka: But they were thrown out long ago.
Reverend Jim: Death to the puppet regime!
Latka: But there is no puppet regime.
Reverend Jim: Who the hell are we fighin'?
Latka: The tyrannical despot.
Reverend Jim: Well, the tyrannical despot will
soon know the name Jim ...ummmm....
Alex: Ignatowski.
Reverend Jim: Right! Already it's spreading!
|
| #42
- Shut It Down (Part II) |
|
Elaine
drinks lots of alcohol with valium before dating Louie.
Louie:
I thought something like that could kill a person.
Elaine: So did I.
|
| #49
- Going Home |
|
Jim, returning home,
talking to his dad.
Reverend Jim:
I wonder about things; like, if they call an orange an 'orange',
why don't they call an apple a 'red', or a banana a 'yellow'. Now
'blueberries' I can understand, but somebody explain 'gooseberries'
to me.
|
| #50
- Elaine's Strange Triangle |
|
Tony, having
discovered Elaine's new boyfriend's bisexual attraction to him.
Tony:
I can't talk to him! I'm the one he spends tortured nights
dreaming about!.
Alex: He said that?
Tony: No, I'm just assuming
|
|
| Alex is sitting with
a "best dancer"-trophy in front of him.
Reverend Jim:
What did you win that for?
Alex: For making a fool out of myself.
Reverend Jim: Why doesn't any one tell me about
contests like that?
|
| #51
- Bobby's Roommate |
|
Elaine has just lost
her apartment.
Reverend Jim:
Have you looked in Brooklyn? That's where mine usually turns up.
|
| #52
- Tony's Sister and Jim |
|
Jim, admiring Monica
Banta as she exits the garage, accidentally bumps into Tony.
Tony:
Why you gotta be all over me all the time!?
Reverend Jim: Oh, am I here? I'm sorry.
|
| #55
- Latka's Cookies |
|
Alex:
I couldn't sleep last night...so I wrote an opera. It was fun. I'm
going to write another one tonight.
|
| #77
- Louie Goes Too Far |
|
As Elaine undresses
in the women's restroom, she realizes Louie is spying on her
through a peep-hole in the men's restroom. She pokes him in the
eye. Both emerge, one irate, the other mopping an eye. When Alex
hears about it, he confronts Louie, who claims that he's crying
because he's so hurt that Elaine would accuse him of such a thing.
Alex:
Then, why are you crying on only one eye?
Louie: It's not the end of the world!
|
| #82
- Jim and the Kid |
|
The runaway shows up
at Jim's apartment.
Reverend Jim:
I thought they took you to the police station.
The kid: They did. A police officer said,'Sit
down over there!', so I did. Then after awhile I got up and left.
Reverend Jim: Was anybody hurt!?
|
| #97
- Louie's Revenge |
|
Elaine to Louie.
Elaine: Poor Emily. It's so sad that she mixed drugs
and
alcohol and spent the night with you . . . when most people only
die.
|
